Ruby: ...I just accidentally got orange juice in my own ear.
Ruby: I wish I hadn't thrown away my snot butterfly.
Ruby: I would mail it to you.
Ruby: Song idea: Summertiiiiime and the mall cops are easy.
Ruby: Oh my lord. omg. Some girl just pulled down her shirt and bra in the middle of the store so her friend could take a pic of her boob job.
Ruby: AHH THEY JUST HAD TO RETAKE THE PHOTO THIS IS MORE NUDITY THAN I BARGAINED FOR TODAY.
Ruby: Blew my nose and the snot looked like a butterfly!
Ruby: Dude this morning they were playing that song about it being friday night, it's like dude it's monday morning.
Ruby: I might spend too much time watching the ice rink, I dreamed I was ice skating last night.
Ruby: My lord I am ready to kill myself. I've still got like four and a half hours left to go.
Ruby: If i ever got pregnant by a South America, naming my son amigo.
Ruby: Dude, my lord, this morning I remembered the funniest thing.
Ruby: Indian pants are mostly cotton, with a drawstring to hol them up. So I had just gotten to India, and was wearing drawstring pants, had to pee SO bad, but they were tied in an insanely tight monster knot and I tried to untie them so hard by I couldn't and I had to pee for something like 7 hours until I couldn't stand it anymore and I literally hulked my way out of my pants, shredded them with my bare hands off of my body, and after I peed I was like, fuck, now I don't have any pants.
Ruby: ..I keep accidentally gleeking when I yawn now which is all the time cause I stayed up all night practicing gleeking. Circle of death shit right there.
Ruby: I gleeked on my library book! Which, I should mention is the fourth book I've read in 4 days.
Ruby: ...when you don't reply immediately sometimes I assume it's cause you're busy updating tumblr, and I get all paranoid and I'm like "Ruby, you best check yoself before you wreck yoself"
Ruby: ...or that you're sucking face. O.O
Ruby: I think I'm on the verge of learning to gleek, like y'know, squirting spit out of your mouth?
Me: DUDE I CAN SO DO THAT.
Ruby: I'm real proud, I've aspired to this for years.
Ruby: No. Way.
Ruby: My tongue ring was crucial to this discovery.
Ruby: It's already improving my life for the better.
Ruby: I can now do it whenever I want..if I'm yawning..
Ruby: ....just accidentally drooled all over myself..yeah I'm lying in bed practicing my gleeking, nbd.
Me: AHAHAHHA OMFG Marc and I are dying right now.
Ruby: Next time I see you, Ima gleek in yo face.
Ruby: WHAT KIND OF BEES MAKE MILK?
Me: Ruby that's not funny..
Ruby: No, I don't need water, I've got beer.
Ruby: So I decided last night that drinking more would cure the remnants of my hangover...which it did, temporarily :(
Me: Ruby...That is not your brightest moment.
Ruby: Ima go ahead and blame peer pressure. I only had like three shots and...4 beers? I was so far behind everyone, my friend was at 9 shots when I left.
Ruby: My other friend didn't know how much he'd had because he drinks his vodka by the glass...
Ruby: #Exchangie parties.
Ruby: Dude, still so nauseous. Do you think thai food will help?
Me: no haha.
Ruby: Thai food did great things for my hangover.
The morning after..
Ruby: OH MY LORD I JUST THREW UP A LITTLE IN MY MOUTH BECAUSE WALKING MADE ME MOTION SICK. I DON'T WANT IT TO BE ONE OF THOSE DAYS.
Ruby: ...jammed my finger on the wall trying to turn on the light. Fuck everything.
Ruby: Casey...I am the most miserable of all creatures right now....
Me: Omfg, I totally forgot you'd been texting me all morning, these are great.
Ruby: Is that what you think of whenever I text you? The quality of my texts? Are you just using me to become internet famous? I'm glad my texts entertain you but I am a sad rock AND I REFUSE TO BE USED.
Ruby's drinking continued..
Ruby: I'm gonna make Jordan battlesnakes.
Ruby: I just played my first game of battlesnakes!
Me: ...what the what..
Ruby: Fighting without arms.
Ruby: Jordans 21st tonight.
Ruby: We've got a fifth, a 24 pack, and a 6 pack.
Ruby: Drunk dialing you tonight.
Ruby: I am so bad at drinkin games.
Me: It's okay, me too.
Ruby: Please tell me that URL.
Ruby: Something I was gonna tell you: Casey made a Tumblr of all the dumb shit I text her.
Ruby: Why do I accidentally text you of all people, all the time?
Ruby: Oh my lord. This guy just farted soooo loud. We're the only ones in the store, so awk. Ahahah.
Ruby: How terrible is it that I bought some weed that turned out (I think) to be laced, and Just kept smoking it?
Me: ...a little terrible.
Ruby: After I got used to the face that it makes me hallucinate, I was pretty okay it it.
Ruby: /I would forget that it did that until after I had smoked and was already hallucinating.
Ruby: Getting a manicure, first time since 8th grade, pretty excite.
Ruby: Trying to stop chewing my nails.
Ruby: (After sending 3 pictures from Claire's) Can you tell I think handlebar moustaches are the shit?
Ruby: Saw a geeksquad car, the driver was black. I laughed a little.
Me: Ruby, I have not replied in three hours.
Ruby: I am fully aware of that.
Me: I'm making out. Quit distracting us >.<
Ruby: I FOUND THE TUMBLR
Ruby: Also, you're a slut.
Ruby takes up song writing.
Ruby: I'm gonna write a song, it's gonna be a lot like the song "I'm in love with a stripper" but instead of stripper, it'll be mall cop. It's gonna be great.
Ruby: I just might work on that tomorrow at work
You guys will get a copy of that. I promise.
Ruby: Your excellency is probably the best title in existence.
Ruby: It just, fucking says it all.
Ruby: Dude, remember the guy who says lalimama instead of Dalai Lama?
Ruby: We were just talking about movies, and he said something about "Joanna Laleen" And I was like "Idk who that is.." and he was all "You know big movie star, married to Brad Pitt, adopted a bunch of kids." ..... :|
Ruby: Bus Donovan, I swear to god, he has the serenity of a Tibetan monk. He's the happiest damn person I've ever seen. It's so sexy/annoying.
Ruby: I'm completely in love with this security guard, and he...completely ignores me.
Ruby: He talks to people around me all the time, and never ever to me. It drives me crazy.
Ruby: It's okay, I'm even more in love with this guy named Donovan, we ride the bus together...
Ruby: Him and my boss are friends! They hang out all the time. He knows I exist!
Ruby: I'm bored and at UAA. Some dude keeps looking at me.
Ruby: He's reading but when he thinks I'm not looking he jerks his head up and looks at me. But when I notice, he pretends to be reading again...wtf.
Ruby: He had a wacky nose.
Ruby: Having a conversation with my roommate and her boyfriend about the things from sex shops he's bought ex-girlfriends...
Ruby: Weirdest couple..
Ruby: Now listening to a song that goes "Swing on my nuts, swing on my ballsac"
If you're seeing this, congratulations.
You are the beginnings of the fan base for my funny as shit friend ruby. While she now knows this exists, she shall never see it. Reblog! Share the humor of the Rube-ster.
The discovery. Pt. 2
Me: It's been around for like, a week.
Ruby: Omg I am dying of laughter. I regret saying I'd never look at it!
Me: I'm not sending you the URL
Ruby: Dude, I just told my roommate, and she said "If I ever see that I'm not gonna tell you." Everyone is conspiring against me.
Ruby: ...I hope you put up the comment about the sexy security guard...
Ruby discovers she has a Tumblr...But is forbidden...
Ruby: I just got off the phone with Marc, he says you should create a Tumblr for all the dumbshit I send you.
Me: I CANT BELIEVE HE TOLD YOU. I need things from him too...
Ruby: Wait like, stupid shit I send him too? Also, wtf, when were you going to tell me I had a Tumblr?
Ruby: It should me "Texts this bitch sends me"
Me: I was worried you'd stop texting me funny shit!
Ruby: I would NEVER stop texting you funny shit.
Ruby: I really want coffee..I have 87 cents :(
Ruby: Coffee costs a dollar..
Ruby: ..I found another penny...88.. :(((
Ruby: Ahahah...Some Asian lady is confused about the difference between bong and a gong...
Ruby: Ohhhhmygawd. Someone almost just got their balls sliced open by a figure skate. #Rinkdrama.
Ruby: Someday security is gonna be like "We've had complaints of you creeping on children?" and I'll be like, "Ur hot." Because like two of the mall cops are hot.
Ruby: And then we'll make out. And I'll be like "Can I see your gun?" And he'll be like, "Mall cops don't have guns." And I'll be like "I KNOW"
Ruby: It's a boring day at the rink, only a kid and his dad to creep on..
-20 minutes later-
Ruby: More kids to creep on. Life's good.
Ruby: If only I had some rum..day drinking is aceptable if it's at work right?
Ruby: I'm pretty sure rum and coffee is suitable for any occasion...
Ruby: I was talking to some old maintenance dude, and told him I was bored. He said I should put on a harem outfit and dance for men walking by. I think this is directly related to taking videos of the little girl ice skating.
Me: What the fuck..
Ruby: Dude, that is just a blip on the radar of the creepy things that happen to me..
Ruby: Someone just pronounced Dalai Lama, Lolimama...FML.
Ruby's brother leaves unexpectedly..
Ruby: Ruby: Emerson's super hot college friend is coming up to visit next week, and Emerson had to go out fishing at the last minute.
Which leaves me to guide SUPER HOT MAN around
More cute boys..
Ruby: We've been texting all morning, and every time I get a text I'm like HOT GUY TEXT OMG
and then I shit my pants
I love texting hot guys
It's the most exciting thing
Ruby finds cute boys..
Ruby: He is from Russia, which I love. He has an accent. He is at least trilingual. He is so good looking. He has a degree in history. He hitch hiked around Europe. He has a great sense of humor. He called me charming
He and his friend did not gang bang me in my car
Like, how else could he be more attractive?
Rubys friend, Fritz..
Ruby: One time I was on the beach
and Fritz was wayyy down the beach
and he was shrooming
and we were like "I wonder how fritz is?"
and looked down the beach
and watched him run onto the sand bar, fall ot his knees, and shove a fistful of sand in his mouth
Ruby: This little girl is the cutest, she's at the mall all the time...not that I watch her or anything..
Me: Thats..pretty creepy..
Ruby: AHHH I think she knows she's being watched, she keeps looking at me :/ now I really do feel creepy!
Me: It's because you ARE creepy.
Ruby: It wasn't creepy til she noticed me creeping..
Me: It was definitely creepy..
Ruby: Dude, it was creepy but not super creepy!
Ruby: What kind of person am I? Who creeps on little children?
Me: ...a pedophile...
Ruby: Also, this no sticking my tongue out or sucking, is driving me crazy. Straws taunt me. I cant lick my spoon clean, or stick my tongue out at people :(
Ruby: I think its weird that Juan wants to come visit
like...we met one time
when we were drunk
at a party
and we hooked up
and yeah, I'm in love with him and everything
but its still random he wants to come see me
I wish you were Asian..
Ruby: But um.....so I'm having this overwhelming urge to put "I wish you were asian" as my Facebook status because the other night, I was chillin with that guy I hooked up with
and he told me he had "yellow fever"and...after we did it, he was like "damn I wish you were asian.." and I was like "-.-" and he was like "...so you could give me a massage afterwards"
and like....we're facebook friends..
Ruby: Just decided, next time I give anyone a gift, I'm going to give them an above the influence sweatshirt, so they can wear it and be ironic..cause all my friends do drugs...
if I was lil wayne
I would coin the phrase
"make it wayne"
Ruby: Just made eye contact with a guy while he scratched his nuts...
Ruby: Did you hear I pierced my tongue?
Me: Kinda gross...
Ruby: Dude! Why is everyone hatin'!
Ruby: I can't stick my tongue out very far anymore...or lick things..
Ruby: It's very sad
Ruby: Also sucking on things
Ruby: Just sayin'!
Ruby: How am I supposed to give blowies!
Ruby: I NEED TO KNOW.
This blog is for all the shit that my friend Ruby...